I feel happier these days.  And I must pat myself for it.  It was a conscious effort on my part. What I just started to do was just doing things I wanted to do, buying things I wanted to get, and falling for each and every thing that I love.  I just gave in to me, and it is a very fulfilling thing to do.  

I started to wonder why it took me so long.  Why haven't I done this before? Why haven't I surrendered to me?

The more I submit to my wants and needs, the more I'm falling in love with myself. I cannot help but just feel mesmerized with myself.  What a character. What a personality.  I'm such all-emotional and all-sensitive about almost everything.  Even I might seem to look poised on the outside, in the inside I am in shambles.  At some point, I knew that I needed to control this rave of emotions, this whirlwind of energy.  At some point, I needed to tame down the currents of joy and bursts of anger.  Although it has became a part of me, I feel the need to hold it, to mold it and master it, so I could use it in my own benefit.  The feeling of being in control of myself, empowers me.  

From listening to D. Chopra, I've learned that we are co-creators of our world.  And indeed it is true. And my world now as I see it is colorful amidst all the pressures and stresses of life.  Things are what they are and we need to detach ourselves from these emotions, to be grounded and be rooted to who we really are. In that process we get to reorient ourselves to our being so we get clarity of it all.  It does pay to step back for awhile and just see things in a broader perspective.  That I have learned, that I will forever treasure.

Valentine's Day is portrayed to be a very exciting day, well yes, for couples, but it's a dreaded day for singles like me.  I remembered one time, I hang out with girl friends at the beach on a valentines night.  It was cold then and my other friend who was supposed to bring the tent didn't make it, so we ended up trying to curl up to find some warmth.  Damn, that was a cold night indeed.  But yeah, it was a good idea gone bad.  So anyways I thought I would try to invite someone to go on a date with me, but really, am I that desperate? I think yes, to some degree because of the fact that I have even thought of that idea.  But yes, I guess I really should be saving my valentine's day for someone whom I love.  I mean, what's the use of dating a complete stranger on a valentine's day.  Well, yeah, for some people they do that, but I think I'd rather not.  So while surfing on youtube, I found this video about feeling gorgeous about oneself, and luckily enough, it gave me good ideas how I could just celebrate valentine's day by just loving myself.  And I thought, yeah, why not just do that instead. 

1. Wear Favorite Perfume

2. Wear that Cute Dress 

3. Light up some Scented Candles

4. Have a nice Bath

5. Slather on some Good amount of Lotion

6. Take a Lovely nap

7. Read a Good Book

8. Write on your Journal

9. Reconnect with your Dreams

10.Listen to Relaxing Music

11.Post on your Blog

12.Hang out with your Girl Friends

13.Watch an Uplifting Movie

14.Look at yourself in the Mirror for a Long Time, Study yourself

15.Reflect on Yourself, Hear out your Voice

16.Go back to your passions.

17.Rediscover your Childhood dreams; and Achieve it

18.Put make up on

19.Spend time with people who Genuinely care for you

20.Plan out your dreams

21.Have a nice Walk

22.Write yourself a Letter

23.Sing your Heart out

24.Dance Like there's No Tomorrow

25.Eat Good Food

I just came out from a breakup and I realized that I made it even harder for me because I had been digging my own wound rather than just help me heal it.  I watched romantic movies and listened to sad songs.  I still go back to old memories and still communicate with my ex who already has moved on.  It was hard, but now I learned from my mistakes.  I need to help myself and be kind to myself by giving myself time to heal and step back and just take it from a broader perspective rather than focusing on the pain.  

I thought that I could adjust everything for the guy and I could do everything for him, but really, it was disrespectful to me and to my dreams and aspirations in life.  I ignored me and focused on the relationship. It was so wrong.  At least I learned.

I have been contemplating for some time now.  I figured I have done this multiple times already but every single time I go back to myself, it feels like I'm always starting on a new slate.  Oddly enough, I still end up with the same direction.  So just now, I wonder why I want to head on to that way.  I want to make sure that it isn't something that I force myself into or something I do to brag to other people, but it should be something that I really dream of for myself.   And looking back... I feel that yes, I want to do this.  And yes, I want to experience it.  So only left to do now is just do it and just not question myself anymore.

There are a number of things that has changed in my life, however the transition wasn't really easy at all.  I made it hard for myself.  At least I learned a lot of things along the way.

I've gotten back to my diaries and read entries that dated 7 years ago until the current year and I figured my wishes didn't really change that much.  Ant I think that I really should be doing something about it.  And this year is just perfect as I don't have any restrictions anymore.  Realizing this... I feel happier and more empowered.

A friend told me over dinner, that people change.  Knowing that she's just gotten out of a divorce, I understood who she was pertaining to.  Probably she meant it generally.  Either way I got her point.  It's not that it was my first time to hear that line, but something really struck me when she said it.  She said it with heart and substance, coming from experience, she knows what she was talking about.  This really got me into thinking.  People do change.  I don't know if this is true for everyone, but there's a tendency that we all will. 

I just pray to God that if I will change, I will change for the better.  And same for my partner, whoever he is. Hmmm yeah...

I used to hate beaches, but now I love them.  It's weird how some things you don't used to like, would be something you would love.  Take my friend for example.  She had a number of skills inspired by previous relationships.  First guy introduced her rap songs, which is something that's useless to her.  Well, probably since that guy was really useless, that made sense.  The 2nd ex bf, she was inspired to get into the debating team.  Next beau, she got poetry from, and the next one, she got photography.  That's the same in my case, with the beach... The guy is gone but some footprints remain...

This struck a cord in me.  Of course, I wanted to write, and of course it's my dream to write my own book, yet I never really thought that it will take a lot of work.  Well of course it will.  Just that I figured if you have the heart to write then it's as good as having that dream fulfilled.  But it does take some time for me to polish my writing skills and review a lot on my grammar.  I used to write well.  Wonder where the inspiration went to.  For some weird reason, there were a couple of times in my life that I wrote well.  First was when I was in highschool,  I remember writing good poetry that when my teacher smiled while reading our works, I knew that she was reading mine.  It was confirmed when she looked at me shortly after and smiled again.  That time, I was determined to do well in class.  I had an aura of intelligence and it's something I identify myself with.  It was good since I saw myself like one, thus I have to live up to it.  And naturally my actions followed.  I was efficient, hardworking and studious student.  I think with every actions there is a vision or image that comes before that.  That will give us fuel to go for that vision and whatever that goes below that vision is unsatisfactory or distasteful. 

Second time was when I was in highschool again, but I guess the reason for my inspiration was because I read 5 books.  I know it's not much, but coming from a lazy reader like me, it's already an achievement.  I read these books one after the other.  And every after finishing one, I would immediately go to our bookshelves and scout for another one, browsing each books like they were candies, thinking which world I would travel into again.  I felt like I was in a really big adventure, but it was an adventure in my imagination.  It wasn't real but it felt like so.  I was moved, captivated by every scene.  Seeing things like I was part of their world, and they were part of mine.  It was refreshing.  Same feeling when I'm doing things first time.   There's a sense of excitement and mystery, discovery.  And I love that feeling!  It's addictive.  Makes me want to jump into another adventure again.  

Now, in this chapter of my life, I am determined to reach my dreams. However slow, I'm still taking my steps onwards.  I wish to fulfill my dreams by the time I reach 35years old.  What are my dreams? I will save that for another post.  I have time in my hands, but limited finances.  I should plan how to allot it wisely.  I think it's time that I should say goodbye to shopping for now...

Good luck to me!

xoxo

The photoshoot was a success! The whole trip was fantastic! We had a lot of firsts! It was the first time we saw dolphins swimming in the wild, first time I saw an initiation of a fraternity, first time for skinny dipping (day and night), first time sitting alongside a boat, first time that I model for a photoshoot.

It was really beyond terrific!

It's weird how something strange to me could be something relevant.  Ok, I'm not sure if it's that relevant but Buddha keeps on popping into my life.  

Mother used to call me that name when I was a baby because I used to be stout and bald.  She started calling me that when our maid had me sit on a box, and mama saw some resemblance of me and Buddha.  Actually even now she calls me that, not that I look like one, but she just like teasing me.  Weird thing here is that she calls me that whenever she comes in my room early in the morning when I'm still sound asleep.  She calls me "buddha" and "gwapa", the latter meant beautiful in tagalog. I know I'm unconscious but I can hear her every morning, because she perms her hair in my room.  Funny thing is, she even talks to me like I'm wide awake, reminding me of the things I needed to do for the day.  What's even more funny is that I could still remember what she had told me, even when I'm sleeping in bed the whole time.  Ok, so we're straying away from the topic, it's buddha. 

Going back, my ex is fascinated with Buddhism too.  Even though he's Hindu and he belongs to a very religous family, he gravitates somehow to Buddha.  Something in him that makes my ex feel relaxed and peaceful.  I think that's something he needs in his life, because his life is ubber hectic.  There was once that we discussed about the religion.  He knew little of it, but no matter how few he knows about the philosophies of religion, somehow I know that he holds those dear in his heart. 

My Japanese students, at times, talks to me about Buddhism.  I asked them a lot of questions but somehow I get only few information from them because they have trouble expressing themselves in English.  

This curiosity would definitely have me read about Buddhism, and probably study it.  I'm pretty open-minded so it would be nice to learn different perspectives about life, love, soul, spirit and destiny.

I could be Buddhist in the future.  I'm open like that.  Let's see though...

I'm already twenty-something and I still feel that I'm still trying to get to know myself.  And the more I get older, the more pressured I am to get to know me.  Yeah, I do have a lot of interests.  True.  But which of these should I follow?  Each interest has a track of its own.  Now as someone who has a lot of interests each pointing on different paths, it's quite a bit hard to choose.  Obviously you wouldn't be making a career of each.  You only get to choose one direction in which these paths are leading to.  At times, passions don't even have to go in the same direction.  It' ok. 

For most of us, we're still trying to make sense of everything.  And in most times, we get easily overwhelmed with a lot of options and opportunities that are laid in front of us.  Blessed are those people who know themselves well or who know what they want to be.  This brings me back to my childhood days.  I was asked by my teacher what I would like to be when I grow up.  I told her pediatrician, because I like kids, and I want to help.  Simple as that.  But somehow, along that path of my adulthood, something changed.  I no longer like to be a doctor.  I even announced to my family over lunch that I don't wish to be amongst the sick day in and day out.  Being an emotional person, I know that I could easily be affected by people.  And being careless, I know I could get infected too.  Now here I am 20 years after.  A nurse by profession, but is  not professional.  So what now. Like most people my age, I feel stuck, actually for a long time now, roughly 2 years.  

I think what made it difficult to figure out what to do is due to the state that I am in.  I am anxious.  I'm so impatient to know my direction that I end up not knowing.  But I believe that I have the answer in me.  It's just that my anxiety was like dark clouds in my mind.  I've listened to the speech of Steve Jobs and he said that I should be foolish.  That I should go try a lot of things and never ever settle unless I found what I wanted.  I think  huge part of me is just hesitant to make that big mistake again.  You see, I have 2 courses, 1 is biology and the 2nd is nursing.  None of which I have used as my career.  And so I vowed, next move will be for good. 

From Thandie Newton's speech, I learned that I should be on free fall.  Just stop thinking and just let it all go, because we will all gravitate to our destiny.  To our passions.  To our purpose.  That made a lot of sense to me. 

You know what, I figured both life lessons shared by these 2 people I mentioned have 1 common denominator and that is to just do what your heart tells you to do and not to think too much.  And I think I'll just start with that.